I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
