biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
