I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
time to smoke my breakfast
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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