I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
