Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
