when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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