Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
nutella sex= disaster
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
