Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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