the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
