don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
