she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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