hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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