Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
