he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
