i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
