Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
