Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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