I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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