if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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