at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
