it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
