What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
