I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
