Jerry, you need to find god
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
