So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
