well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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