You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
