I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
