tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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