I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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