I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
