I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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