Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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