Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
