just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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