I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
