I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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