I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
