come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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