For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
