um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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