mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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