I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
