my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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