just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
