Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
