Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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