i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Quick, to the slutcave!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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