In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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