I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
