Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
