Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
