then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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