Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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