Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I did not marry a roomba.
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