she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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