my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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