Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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