It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
barbara walters just said penis...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
