Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
