Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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