Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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