"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
