my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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