Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
